


wham, bam, thank you ma'am

by nirav



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 04:29:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4207962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nirav/pseuds/nirav
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What?  No we aren't, that's-- oh my god, we're dating Rosa."</p>
            </blockquote>





	wham, bam, thank you ma'am

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. i wrote this a billion years ago at the prompting of [lescousinsdangereux](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lescousinsdangereux/pseuds/lescousinsdangereux), way before season two started, so it's obviously approximately a billion percent not canon.
> 
> 2\. title credit goes to [smallandsundry](http://archiveofourown.org/users/smallandsundry/pseuds/smallandsundry), who earned said naming rights by capitalizing an entire lower case story that was written in an email.

The first time they hook up, a week after Jake strutted back into the precinct from his undercover assignment with buzz-short hair and a triumphant smirk, Amy is drunk on too many Mai Tais and his breath tastes like Budweiser.  It should be bad-- because they're drunk, because they're partners, because it's _Jake_  and every time Amy had imagined sleeping with him since he admitted his feelings all she could imagine was him nicknaming his penis and rolling into a Ron Jeremy impression in the middle of sex-- but it's not; it's awkward and sweet and fun and the trip into dating after the third time and into a full-on relationship after the fifth.

 

They manage to go a month keeping it a secret-- 

 

("We’re partners, Jake!  Fraternizing is completely not allowed!" and "can you say fraternizing again because it's really hot when you use big words" resulted in him going down on her in the living room; she can't look at her own couch anymore without blushing.)

 

\--before Terry figures it out, and then Boyle, and Boyle, as he's wont to do, keeps his mouth shut for all of five minutes before telling Rosa.

 

"So," Rosa says, casual smirk bleeding tinting her voice, as they're heading towards a burglary call.  "You and Peralta?"

 

"Hm?"  Amy’s head is in her notes, because she's positive she's answered a burglary call at this address before.

 

Rosa reaches across the car and yanks the notebook out of her hands, throwing it in the back seat.  "You and Peralta," she says again.  "You’re boning now?"

 

"We are-- who said-- no we're not!" Amy’s ears heat up the more she fumbles over her words, and Rosa laughs, big and loud like she always does, and Amy sighs.  "We’re _dating_ , we're not--boning."

 

"If you're not boning, then you're doing the whole dating thing totally wrong," Rosa says.  "It’s the most important part of dating."

 

"It is not," Amy says indignantly.  "There’s--- talking, and support, and intimacy, and--"

 

"No, there's banging, and then there's everything else," Rosa interrupts.  She throws a wink across the car as she parks and kills the engine.  "Can’t have a successful relationship without it, everything else is just window dressing."

 

She’s out of the car before Amy can respond, long legs carrying her past the crime scene tape, and she's flashing her badge at the storeowner as Amy is scrambling out of the car, cursing internally.  She was supposed to be the lead on this, and there was Rosa, snatching it up from her.

 

"So," Rosa says once they're alone again.  "Has he gotten any better in bed?"  

 

Amy chokes on her coffee, spitting it all over the floor.  

 

"Stop spitting on my crime scene," Rosa says, rolling her eyes.

 

"Better--as in--"

 

"As in, what, we fucked?  Yeah, back in the academy."  She’s snapping her gloves on and squatting down to inspect the broken lock on the door, distracted and uncaring.  "He wasn't _bad,_ he was just, y'know...young."

 

"You and Jake-- you slept together?"

 

"For like two months."   Rosa snaps a picture of the lock.  "We were both single and horny and on the same crappy schedule, it was just easiest."

 

"Two _months_?  You slept with my boyfriend for two _months_?"  Amy’s voice is a few steps below a dog whistle, and the latex of her gloves creaks loudly as her fists clinch.

 

"Cool it, Santiago, we were like nineteen, okay."  Rosa rolls her eyes and stands, leaning against the door.  "It’s too early in the morning for you to freak out."

 

Amy makes it through the rest of the morning without dwelling too deeply on any perceptions of inadequacy-- because Rosa walks and talks and stands and breathes like sex appeal personified, so of course she's great in bed and how could Amy _ever_  compete against that-- but still shoots a series of texts off to Jake because _we need to talk about how you never told me you slept with Rosa_.

 

His response comes as a series of emoticons and Amy groans because that means Gina broke into his phone again and if Boyle hasn't blabbed to the whole precinct about it then Gina surely has now.

 

They’ve just parked back at the precinct when Rosa’s smirk slides across the car to where Amy’s pouting and she says, "Tell Peralta if you guys ever want some company in the bedroom that I’m down."

 

Amy’s coffee ends up half down her shirt and half on the dash and Rosa’s laugh follows her out of the car, right into the office to where Gina has somehow managed to construct a bedsheet-size banner to hang over Amy’s desk that says _CONGRATS ON GETTING LAID_.

 

* * *

 

 

Jake, naturally, laughs uncontrollably at the idea until he notices the thoughtful expression on her face.

 

"Wait-- I mean—Santiago, don't tell me that you actually want to."

 

"Well, I don't know," Amy, grumbles.  "It’s Rosa, she's probably amazing, maybe I could learn something."

 

"How can you talk about sex like it's something you need to study for?"

 

Amy kicks him under the table.  "You’re supposed to tell me I don't need to learn anything!"

 

"I mean we could probably all learn something from Rosa--" he starts, cheeky and smirky and Amy slams her now-empty glass down on the table.

 

"Okay, let's do it," she says.  "Let’s have a threesome with Rosa."

 

Jake stares at her for three long, gaping seconds and then turns so red he matches his t-shirt.  Amy unlocks her phone, and the movement is enough to shake him out of his stupor long enough to snatch the phone out of her hand.

 

"Don’t call her- are you serious?  You want to have a threesome with Rosa?"

 

"What, you don't?"

 

"There is no good way to answer this, oh my god."  He takes a deep breath.  "Look, real talk, and I will run away screaming if you ever tell anyone this, but I just want to be with you, okay?"

 

"But would you say no to a threesome with Rosa?"

 

"Stop it with the trick questions!  Don’t do that girl thing, that's totally unfair."

 

"It’s not a trick question!"  Amy kicks him under the table again.  "It’s a real question.  I’m not going to get angry if you say yes."

 

Jake looks like he's in physical pain when he still shakes his head and mutters _no,_ and Amy rolls her eyes.

 

"That’s the worst lie you've ever told, and I’ve seen you tell a _lot_  of crappy lies."  She reaches over the table and grabs his t-shirt, pulling him close and kissing him and grabbing her phone at the same time.  "I’m texting Rosa."

 

"Okay," he squeaks out, and Amy smirks at him.  Somewhere through the haze of two beers she considers that it might be a bad idea, but fires off the text before she can second-guess it.

 

_Talked to Jake.  We’re up for it if you are.  My place, half an hour?_

 

She sets her phone down with a flourish and winks obtusely at Jake.  He’s still gaping at her, and she crosses her arms across her chest, pleased with herself.

 

Less than a minute later, her phone vibrates.

 

_I’m bringing handcuffs_.

 

* * *

 

 

Sex with Jake has been good since the first time.  Sex with Jake and Rosa, on the other hand, is some whole other level that Amy’s never even considered was a possibility.  She wakes up sprawled half on top of Rosa, Jake pressed against her back and snoring into her hair, with handcuff bruises on her wrists and all three of them covered in fingernail scratches, and sends up a tired prayer of thanks at the fact that none of them have to work that weekend before she goes back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

What was supposed to be a one-time thing turns into two, to three, to her keeping Jake’s favorite snacks (zebra cakes and Cheez-Its) and Rosa’s preferred scotch (Dalwhinnie) in her kitchen because sometime between sex and sleep Jake needs a snack before bedtime, like a child, and Rosa just smirks a challenge at the both of them and says that she wouldn't need a scotch to help her go to sleep if they could wear her out more during sex.  

 

Jake takes it as a joke, because Jake takes everything about their sex life in stride.  Amy takes it as a challenge.  After a month she has a hidden folder on her personal laptop full of sex tips and suggestions found via secure browsing, and she's taken to habitually clearing her history and cache every time she uses her computer.

 

After two months, Rosa’s neighbor's frat boy cousin blows up a toilet in the apartment in above Rosa’s when he's drunk, and after she's arrested him and left him in the drunk tank with a creepy clown who was arrested outside a strip club, she shows up at Amy’s door with an overnight bag.

 

"Landlord said it's going to take a week to fix the pipes and clean shit up," she says briefly.  She looks terrible, having been in the precinct all night and without a shower at home, and Amy swallows a measure of sympathy.  "It’s cool if I crash here, right?"

 

"Slumber party time!" Jake shouts from the couch, as if the three of them don't already spend at least one night a week fucking in Amy’s bed.

 

"Not that he actually has any say in the matter because it's _not his apartment_ ," Amy says pointedly.  "But of course you can stay here.  As long as you need."

 

"Great."  Rosa drops her bag in the foyer and grabs Amy by the wrist, dragging her towards the bedroom.  She latches onto Jake’s t-shirt with the other hand and pulls him along as well.

 

"Are you sure you want to-- right now--" Amy starts, but Rosa just shoves Jake onto the bed and kisses her, heavy and demanding and tired.  "Okay," Amy mumbles into her mouth.  Her fingers find their way into Rosa’s hair habitually, and Rosa’s hands clench at her waist, pulling her closer.  Jake pops up to his feet and Rosa kisses him over Amy’s shoulder and Amy maneuvers them all down to the bed.

 

There are handcuffs in Amy’s drawer that they've used almost every time, but every time Jake or Amy has tried to put them on her, she's shaken her head and said _not this time_.  Now, though, exhaustion written into her posture and the circles under her eyes, she just nods and smiles-- a real smile, not a smirk-- when Jake picks them up with a raised eyebrow.

 

Something shifts when the metal clicks around Rosa’s wrists for the first time, something that keeps moving when her back arches under their ministrations and the muscles in her arms strain against the handcuffs.  Rosa falls asleep without snark or scotch for the first time, between them with one hand tangled in Amy’s hair and one leg flopped over Jake’s, and they stare at each other over her quiet form for long seconds.

 

Jake doesn't have any jokes, and Amy doesn't know what to say, but something-- _something--_ just changed between them all.

 

* * *

 

 

Four days into Rosa staying with Amy-- which is really Rosa staying with them, because Jake’s apartment is tiny and also Gina still has a key to it, since she does technically own the place-- Jake pounds on the bathroom door, shouting through it at Rosa.

 

"I swear to god, if you use up all the hot water _again_ \--"

 

"Shut up, Peralta!" Rosa shouts back.  Then, a moment later: "or come in here."

 

"Huh," Amy says sleepily from the bedroom door, scratching at her forehead as Jake grumbles and glares at the door.  She rolls her eyes as she shuffles towards the kitchen, pushing her glasses up her nose.  "Go get 'em, tiger."  

 

"What?  Where are you going?"

 

"I’m not awake yet” she kisses him on the cheek and ruffles his already-messy hair and continues towards the smell of coffee.  A month ago she would have minded, but now-- now that she's as familiar with how to reduce Rosa to a trembling, swearing mess as she is to unravel Jake, now that she's realized that Jake wouldn't hurt her and Rosa would kill anyone who tried-- she's perfectly content to listen to Rosa cursing as Jake goes down on her in the shower while she sits in the living room and wakes up to her coffee.  "You kids have fun."

 

"Really?" he calls after her.

 

"Shut up and get in here!" Rosa shouts.

 

* * *

 

 

The day Rosa’s supposed to go home, her landlord calls and tells her that the plumbers screwed up and it's going to take another two weeks.  Rosa is pissed about it for all of five minutes, and then Amy goes down on her while she's decimating Jake in Halo.

 

* * *

 

 

A week and a half later, Rosa and Amy go by her place to pick up some more of Rosa’s clothes, and her landlord tells her the repairs are going to take at least another week.

 

"Whatever," Rosa says flatly, tugging Amy out of the building by the hand.  Jake’s out with Boyle, so the go to dinner and fuck in the backseat of Amy’s car.  Rosa snaps a picture of Amy, sweaty and sated in the backseat, and texts it to Jake.

 

_Enjoy boys’ night_

By the time he gets back to Amy’s place, hot and bothered after looking at the picture a few too many times when Boyle was waxing poetic about his dinner, they're asleep on the couch, Rosa sprawled out with her feet on the coffee table and Amy’s head pillowed on one leg.

 

He sighs noisily, just enough to wake Amy halfway, and she grumbles and nudges at Rosa’s leg, waking her up.

 

"You two are the _worst_ ," Jake whispers loudly, staring down at them with a pout.

 

"Shut up, Peralta," Rosa mutters.  He sighs, loud and overwrought, and then holds out a hand to each of them, tugging them to their feet and towards the bedroom.  Amy lets out a pathetic whine, shuffling blindly behind Jake because her glasses are still on the table.  She flops down next to Rosa and is already practically asleep, curled into her side, when Jake settles at her back, his hand curling past her hip to rest on Rosa’s.

 

* * *

 

 

"Jake," Amy says the next morning.  She’s stretched out on the couch, feet in his lap as he reads a comic book.  Rosa is out at the grocery store, buying ingredients for dinner.  "Jake!"  She digs her heel into his thigh, glaring over the top of her book.

 

"Ow!  What?"

 

"We’re dating Rosa," she says.

 

"What?  No we aren't, that's-- oh my god, we're dating Rosa."

 

"We are," she says with a firm nod.  

 

"We’re dating Rosa," he says again, bewildered.  

 

"Should we tell her?" Amy asks, just as Rosa clomps in through the front door, arms full of groceries.

 

"Tell who what?"

 

"Nothing," Amy says automatically, at the same time Jake cranes his head back over his shoulder and says, "That we're dating you."

 

"Bullshit," Rosa says distractedly.  "I don't date people, I bone people."

 

"Technically speaking, since you don't have a penis you don't _bone_  anyone," Amy says, wrinkling her nose.

 

"I never thought of it that way," Jake says, turning back to Amy with wide eyes.  "She’s right, you know."

 

"I can buy one and bone _you_ , Peralta, if you’re into that," Rosa says from the kitchen.  "Also, Santiago, they were out of that weird cheese you like."

 

"See?" Amy says, hopping up to her feet.  "You know what cheese I like!  We’re totally dating."

 

"We are not.  Put this away."  Rosa shoves two six packs of beer-- Brooklyn brown ale, the only one all three of them can agree on-- into her hands.

 

"Rosa, you're unloading groceries in my kitchen.  Groceries for all of us.  Literally every pair of underwear you own is in a drawer in my bedroom.  You basically live here, Jake practically lives here, we all sleep together, and we go out on dates--"

 

"We do not go out on dates."  Rosa tosses a bag of snap peas at Amy, who catches them easily and deposits them in the refrigerator.  

 

"Last night you two totally went out on a date," Jake calls from the couch.  "And sent me naughty text picks of naked Amy, too."

 

"Since when does fucking in a car count as a date?"

 

"Since we also went to dinner and you yelled at the guy at the bar who tried to hit on me!"

 

"Wait, what?" Jake says, hopping over the back of the couch and crossing his arms over his chest.  "What guy?  Do I need to beat him up?  Or arrest him?"

 

"He grabbed my ass."  Amy flaps a hand dismissively.  "I’m pretty sure Rosa broke his thumb.  And his pride."

 

"That’s so hot," Jake breathes out, eyes wide and bouncing between the two of them.  "Also, you know, thanks, Diaz, I’m too busy to go out and book a guy for being a dick."

 

"You’re reading comics," Amy says.  

 

"I’m so behind, oh my god, don't remind me," he says with a groan.  "Gina won't give me my massage chair back until I give her all of her comics back."

 

"Anyways," Amy says sharply.  "The point is, you did what Jake would do when a guy hit on me: you stopped him and beat him up and then we had dinner and then we had sex.  Face it, Rosa, you're my boyfriend." 

 

"Jake’s your boyfriend," Rosa says.  She pulls her scotch from the top of the fridge and pours it into the glass Jake is holding out for her habitually.

 

"So are you!" Amy says, crossing her arms defiantly.  "I’m right, Jake, aren't I?"

 

"Yeah, Peralta, how do you feel about getting upstaged?" Rosa smirks over her scotch at him, and he takes a step back, holding his hands out peacefully.

 

"Hey, I’m cool with it, you can be my boyfriend, too, Rosa.  Why would I not want that?"

 

"We’re not dating!" Rosa says loudly.

 

"Actually, we're pretty much just in a solid relationship at this point," Amy says.

 

"No."

 

"Rosa, you went to the organic grocery store that's three blocks further away just to buy those groceries because you know I prefer it.  You watched the entirety of Dragonball-Z with Jake last weekend just because he was in the mood and only punched him like, four times.  You eat with us, you sleep with us, you go out on dates with us.  I know you're not sleeping with anyone else because you're _always_  with one of us, so will you please just shut up and accept the fact that we're all dating and that's okay?"

 

"How in the hell are you, of all people, the one who's chill about being in a threeway relationship."

 

"It’s like Jake said," Amy says with a shrug.  "Who wouldn't want you both as boyfriends?"

 

Rosa drains the rest of her scotch and glares at them both for a long moment.

 

"Fine," she says flatly.

 

"Score," Jake says, bright and loud, as Amy jumps up and down and hugs Rosa tightly.  "Thirteen year old me never dreamed I would be so lucky, oh my god, I should tell everyone who beat me up as a kid."

 

"Don’t you dare!”?Amy snaps, not letting go of Rosa.  She shoves Rosa’s empty glass into his hands and drags Rosa out of the kitchen.  "Just for that, we're going to go have sex.  Without you."

 

Rosa smirks and kisses him on the way by, biting down on his bottom lip for a brief second before allowing herself to be led away by Amy.  

 

"By the way," she calls over her shoulder, one hand already up Amy’s shirt.  "You’re totally the bitch in this relationship."  

 

"Oh come on!" Jake shouts after her, but she just winks and kicks the door shut behind her.  "Fine.  I’ll just be out here.  Alone.  Listening to you two have sex.  Whatever!  I have comic books, I don't care.  See if I care!"

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
